Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday to me! Yes, it really is my birthday, no lie. Birthdays seem to come by faster and faster each year, without remorse. It seems like yesterday I just turned eighteen and was supposed to have my whole life ahead of me. I thought for sure that my life would have turned out differently than it actually has. There was hope, optimism and excitement when I think about how I was at eighteen. I became an adult and could do just about anything I wanted to do, or so I thought. I was scared, but ready for anything. I think we all felt the same way at that age. Why not? It is an exciting time if you let it be. I laugh now when I think about how naive I was.

Fast forward to a number of years later and I wonder what the Hell happened to that eighteen year old kid. At what point did he turn into me? What happened to taking chances and taking life as it came? What happened to all my dreams and hopes for the future? In other words, where did I go wrong? The truth is I didn’t go wrong; I made choices like everyone else has. Some were good, some were bad, some too painful to talk about, but they were my choices to make, and I consider myself lucky to have had the chance to make them. That’s a part of the growing up process. There is no book that can accurately tell you how to live your own life, I don’t care what Oprah says. It is easy to look back and wonder what if, trust me, I know. But my life isn’t a horror story either. At least I am not Precious, with a frying pan upside my head. It’s a life that I have lived to the best of my abilities. At my core I am a decent person, prone to the same ills all mankind are. I can be moody, envious, petty and cruel. I can be kind, loving, and thoughtful. I can be sarcastic and witty or downright nasty like a Motherfucker. There are many facets to my personality that I will not apologize for. Basically, I am what I am. Period!

I think at some point we all have to come to terms with where we are in life and who we are in life instead of letting our birth date get the best of us. I may never be what I wanted to be at eighteen, but I realize I don’t have to be. I am older, by a significant number of years, so my priorities have changed. I have responsibilities that I never thought I would have. I am a man. I am an adult. My outlook is different. I can laugh at myself more now than ever before. I’m more comfortable with who I am. I am who I am because of the experiences I had.

Birthdays always seem to send us spiraling, especially when we hit milestones like twenty-one, thirty, forty, fifty, etc. We consider the paths we never chose and the what ifs of it all. The truth is, we are where we are for a reason. It’s that simple. There is no going back, no matter how hard you try. I honestly thought I would have been married by now, with at least two kids. That isn’t the case at all; there are no wife and kids to speak of.  I don’t think I will ever even have children, which I seem to be comfortable with. I would like to have a relationship with someone who I can grow old with, a partner. When I say partner I mean a female companion, who may not want to get married, but is willing to take me as I am as I take her for who she is.

Life isn’t over because you didn’t achieve something by the time you’re thirty or forty. Life is now and will be until the day you die at whatever age that is. A birthday shouldn’t dictate that next step or be a reminder of shortcomings. It is not a lamination. Its a celebration. Another  birthday means a chance to age gracefully, like a fine wine.So live, love and stop trippin’. I think you’ll be just fine. Happy Birthday!